Nano 2017 Lego Thing Part Two
Frank Honey was beside himself. Literally. He’d knocked his hair onto the floor again.
“Gross!,” yelled Batman. “I never do that because I’m cool. And I have—“
“Tremendous abs! We know!” said Frank. His eyes turned into hearts.
“Oooooookay,” said Chase. “I don’t know who you are, but we’re detectives. Well, I’m a detective and this is my buddy Frank.”
“My hair is on the floor and BATMAN is in my office!” Frank was still delighted. He picked up his hair and clicked it back into his head socket. “Would anyone like some coffee?”
“I’m sorry,” said Batman. “I’m going to need to wind this back.” He leapt and rolled around the room until he was in front of Chase. “Did you just say you *don’t* know who I am?,” asked Batman, poking chase in the stomach.
“That’s correct, strangely physically intimate masked stranger,” answered Chase. “You look like some sort of bat person, but it’s hard to be sure.”
Frank leapt over his desk, and although he’d tried this countless times the previous day when he’d moved in here, this was the first time he landed on his feet. “Chase! Chase! How could you not know who Batman is? He’s like, the coolest guy *ever.*”
Without skipping a beat or looking away from Chase, Batman pointed a hand claw at Frank. “This guy gets it.”
“I’m sorry,” said Chase. “I don’t follow the underground wrestling scene.”
“I’m *not* a wrestler,” said Batman. “But if I was, I would be the coolest wrestler and I would have the most abs.”
“Hey Batman,” said Frank. “Will you please sign my teeth?”
“Ewwwwww,” said Batman. “No. That’s gross. Wait. Maybe I will. How many Lego studs do you have in your wallet?”
“I didn’t find my wallet this morning, but as my mom says, there’s always tomorrow!”
“Okay guys look,” said Chase. “We need to get out there and figure out what happened to Catwoman. From the info that Chief Dunby gave me, it was probably that group of clowns that tried to rob the Lego City National Bank last year. We had to let them out of prison early because I…arrested them just before they had actually committed any real crime, and they gave up their boss. If Catwoman’s strange mask-wearing boyfriend wants to help us, I—“
“Whoa whoa whoa,” said Batman. “I don’t know what you’ve read on the internet, in various comic books, or seen implied in several different films and video games, but Catwoman and I are *not,* I repeat NOT, a thing. Not at all. Not a thing whatsoever. Not at all.”
“Catwoman is very pretty,” said Frank. “And she’s also a lady that can steal jewels and climb on things!”
Batman stomped his foot. “I would rather sign this guy’s teeth than go on a single date with Catwoman. End of discussion. Now give me all the info so I can get there first and find her before you lame-o’s get there.”
“Look,” said Chase, slightly afraid of how this Bat character had shredded the door, “all we know is that she was taken straight from the airport in a car that looked suspiciously like an ice cream truck with a clown’s face on the side, because that’s exactly what it was.”
“Right,” said Batman. “I’m gonna go punch all this into my Batcomputer and then argue with it about the results, and then ultimately agree with it because it’s a super awesome computer that I built that you totally couldn’t build even if you got the exact same parts. Because I’m that good. And then I’m going to save Catwoman. Because I’m Batman.”
“Were the two of you named by the same person?,” asked Frank. “I feel like your names might be secret twins!”
Batman fished around in his pockets, or at least, where his pockets *would* be if he weren’t made of plastic, and pulled out two surveys. He handed one to Frank and one to Chase. “I’ve been your Batman this evening and I hope your service was acceptable. As part of a stupid program to help me with my supposed attitude problems, my dumb butler Alfred is making me hand out these customer evaluation surveys. Please don’t fill these out or give them back to Alfred.” Batman leapt through the air, doing several cartwheels, and just like that he was out the door.
Frank scratched his head, almost knocking his hair off again. “He’s so much smaller on my TV.”
“I’M BATMAN,” yelled Batman, popping his head back in the door once again before vanishing in a puff of smoke.
“I’ll have a Medium mocha please,” said Alex.
“Have that right out for you,” said Selena.
Alex walked down to the end of the counter. It was busy in the store today. The sun had gone back into hiding behind gray clouds that weren’t quite full enough to rain, but certainly *looked* ominous. So everyone at the coffee shop was, of course, decked out in rain gear.
A dude walked up to the register. Selena stared through him as if he were made of tissue paper. He just stood there, as if he expected her to say something.
“What can I get you?,” asked Selena, making sure she waited just long enough to make him a little bit uncomfortable.
Random Dude pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Uh, do you guys have a phone app or anything?”
Selena blinked once. “No.”
“Oh, cause when I go to the place down the block, I can pay with my phone.”
“We can scan your phone with our register to take money from you if it’s new enough,” said Selena, “but we don’t have our own app.”
“That’s too bad,” said random dude, winking obnoxiously. “I like to be able to order things on my phone, and see the menu.”
“And I like to afford paying our bills by not wasting money developing apps I don’t care about,” said Selena. “Do you want some coffee? We have lots of coffee. We keep it in all the places we don’t keep our app.”
Selena Kyle tried to smooth out her dress before remembering that she was made out of plastic and the dress was painted on. She grabbed her bag out of the plane’s overhead compartment, and made her way down the walkway.
Inside the airport terminal, two cops were waiting holding a sign that said “CATWOMAN” in huge crayon letters. Selena let out a sigh and walked up to them.
“Hello,” she said. “I think you’re here for me?”
The deputies looked Selena up and down. “Sorry ma’am, we’re here for Catwoman.”
“Yes I can read english purrfectly,” said Selena. “That’s me.”
The two deputies shrugged at each other. “Huh, well okay then! It’s really brave of you to come into town and testify against Rex Fury. I thought you were supposed to look like a cat.”
“Bravery has nothing to do with it. And I don’t wear my suit all the time,” said Selena. “How would I clean it and—“
A door at the far end of the terminal came flying open. A gang of friendly looking clowns stormed in.
“The Joker is here?,” gasped Selena. “That’s impawsible!”
“Who?,” asked one of the deputies.
“Okay, listen up!,” said one of the members of the clown group. “We’re here to rob all of you and also to find some kind of cat lady…I think?”
The rest of the clowns sighed.
“I think that’s all of it, yes?,” said the lead clown, turning to everyone behind him.
“Bill,” said another clown. “We told you you’d have one more shot at this, but *only* if you remembered all of your lines.”
“I know,” said Bill. “I just get so stressed out in the moment. It’s like—“
The deputies finally remembered what their jobs were. They ran up to the 8 or so clowns, whistles in hand.
“Freeze, all of you!,” said one of the deputies.
A clown in the back smiled. “Hey Bill, blast em!”
“Now that, I can do!,” said Bill the Clown. He pulled out a Space Laser Gun.
“Hey, how did he get a Space Laser Gun in here—“
Bill fired. A happy friendly bright blue laser came out of the gun and the deputy shattered into his parts. Plastic money studs and hearts flew out everywhere. The other deputy screamed.
“WaaaaAHHHH! This guy has a Space Laser Gun even though he’s a clown and he shouldn’t!”
Bill blasted that deputy too. Chaos took over the calm terminal. People ran around everywhere. And Bill got very confused.
“What do I do now?,” asked Bill. He dropped the gun on the floor.
“We have to find Catwoman, that’s who were here for!”
Selena contemplated changing into her costume, but once she heard this, she knew that was folly. “Okay then, have to do this the old-furshioned way.”
She noticed a nearby ventilation shaft and quickly ducked into it. After what seemed like an eternity of crawling around, she emerged at the front of the airport.
“Good thing this ventilation shaft lead to the front of the airport, and not a horrible room full of garbage burners or a sewer or something,” said Selena aloud to no one in particular. She walked up to a nearby cab that had been abandoned in the chaos, got in, and drove away.
“Ooooh, the plot thickens!,” said Alex’s online friend.
“Indeed!,” said Alex, sipping his coffee. “I’m a little worried about this scene, with it being set in an airport and featuring a laser gun. Maybe it’s too violent for the fun world of Lego?
“I don’t know, people are getting blasted all the time in those games, right?”
“Yeah, it’s kind of weird actually,” said Alex. “It’s an old complaint, but it’s strange that a game series based on a toy about building things is so centered around breaking and shooting stuff.”
“That’s video games I guess.”
“I guess so,” said Alex, a frown on his face. “Maybe…maybe I can do better. Maybe the scene should happen outside the airport, or the laser gun should be built into a clown gadget or something.”
“There you go!”
“Then again, both of these things are important to what happens later.”
“So, who was that guy?,” asked Chase. “And why was he dressed like a bat?”
“And!,” shouted Frank. “*Why* does the author sometimes use asterisks for emphasis in one sentence, then italics for emphasis in others?”
Chase’s face took on a look of surprise. “Frank! That’s the first time I’ve heard you use big words!”
“I try to avoid them,” said Frank Honey. “They make my face hurt because I have to move it around more.”