Nano 2017 Lego Thing Part Twenty One
Two Lego Medieval Guards stood watch over the highway. It was a crisp autumn day, free of too many clouds or rain. The sky was a bright blue, and the fields near the highway flourished. A small footpath lead away from the guards to a cave.
In truth, they weren’t really guards. They were performing the duty of guarding the cave. But if they had to fill out a form that had a job description line, it would have said “Bandit.”
“Why is it that we have to stand out here on this road again?,” said one bandit to the other.
“I told you many times,” said the second Lego Guard Bandit. “We stand ‘ere, and if anyone wealthy comes up the road, we hit them and we take their stuff. And then we drag that stuff up into the cave over yonder where the rest of our friends live.”
“But isn’t the cave already full of all sorts of ancient weapons?,” asked the first bandit. “And cool things we’ve stolen from already doing this whole ‘accost people on the road’ thing? Why aren’t we living the good life? Why are we not all off enjoying the spoils of our work?”
The other bandit thought about it for a moment. “Because we’re still a going concern, you see. We have to keep pillaging and plundering and all that in order to keep this whole bandit business going. Otherwise, we’d just be people who had some money and were enjoying it. And what kind of life would that be?”
“I don’t know,” said the first bandit. “That sounds pretty good to me! It seems like that’s kind of what the other folks in our little troop get to do. I mean they’re all up there in the cave, hanging out, while we’re down here on the cold road waiting for someone to wander up.”
“Nice day though!”
“True,” said the first bandit. “It is a very nice day.” He looked around for a while. “Isn’t it weird that no one has ever come up the road?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I don’t really remember anyone ever coming up the road,” said the first bandit. “Like, I remember that it’s our job to stand here, and I remember that we’ve been doing this for a long time…but I don’t really remember anyone ever coming up the road.”
The second bandit started to make scoffing sounds. “I mean come on man, of course people have come up the road. Where do you think all that cool stuff in the cave came from?”
“It just kind of seems like it’s always been there. In fact, it kind of seems like I’ve always been here. Isn’t that weird?”
The second bandit gave the first bandit a weird look. “You’re crazy man. I don’t even know what to say to that, other than you’re completely crazy.”
Alex got to the coffee shop later than normal, around lunch time. Usually it was packed out at lunch time, but today the Beanland was a little quiet.
“What’s going on?,” Alex asked Selena. “It seems so empty in here.”
Selena nodded. “Restaurant next door decided to start hosting a lunch buffet. We have so little parking that now, all of it is taken up by people trying out the lunch buffet.”
“Oh I see,” said Alex. “You know, I pay so little attention to places I’m not going to, I don’t think I even realized that there was a restaurant next door.”
“To be honest, I didn’t really know either. But now they have a buffet, so I’ve heard. I bet it will calm down after a few weeks of people being excited.”
“How’s that skating promotion working out for you?,” asked Alex.
Selena held up a piece of paper. Ten more pieces of paper cascaded down off of it, all taped together, and clattered to the floor.
“Wow!,” said Alex.
“I had to start tracking them inside the payment register. The city isn’t happy with me, but my business is up 300 percent, not counting this new buffet wrinkle. I’ll get your drink.”
About two hours later, a whole rush of people came running through from the street to get their discount coffee drinks. It seemed like they had all walked over from the neighboring restaurant.
“Maybe I should go to this buffet,” typed Alex into his chat program.
“But you didn’t even know there was a restaurant there. What if they serve a food you don’t really like?”
Alex shrugged even though his friend couldn’t see him. “A buffet is a buffet, right? I bet they’ve got a good deal. It seems like half the town came pouring out of there.”
“Yeah but if it’s a food you don’t like, it’ll just be that but…like a lot of it.”
Alex thought about this for a moment. “You’re right. Okay good, I’m not going to the buffet.”
Evil Galadriel drew forth her sword. Her Lego Skeletons were lined up behind her, ready for a battle.
The Lego Vikings reached for their weapons, but most of them had but fishing poles and sticks. “Er, my Lady,” said their leader, “We didn’t actually go and acquire those weapons you mentioned?”
“Oh no. Another oversight. I’m so sorry Lord Viking Master, I sometimes forget things when it’s so easily for me to see all of existence in my very powerful and awesome mind.”
“Hahahahaha,” shouted Evil Galadriel. “I will dispatch of you and your random assortment of misfits quickly, and then we will help Lord Sauron in his quest to take over the Universe!”
Lady Galadriel sneered. “Hah. Do you really think he’ll help you? That’s always what he says, but it is a falsehood. Sauron wouldn’t help anyone, even if his very existence depended on it.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Evil Galadriel. “He—“
A loud engine noise came roaring down the hallway of the Batcave. Catwoman came driving in, inside the Batmobile. She plowed down the skeletons with ease, sending them flying and shattering into various parts. She then leapt gracefully out of the Batmobile, pulled out the Space Laser Gun, and shot Evil Galadriel, sending her parts flying around the cave. “You’re all very welcome,” she said.
Batman raised both of his hands into the air. “My car! Alright! I’m glad that I programmed an autopilot into this and it was able to drive itself back here all on its own and without any help.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Catwoman. “I go out of my way to find your stupid car, shoot the Sauron guy who was driving it around, bring it back here, stop these random skeletons that were here for some reason, and this is the thanks I get?” She pointed the Space Laser Gun squarely at Batman. “Say thank you to me, or I’m going to blast you with the gun.”
“Thank you,” said Batman.
“That’s more like it,” said Catwoman.
Lady Galadriel swallowed her pride and gave Catwoman a little bow. “Thank you for your most esteemed and timely actions,” she said. “I apologize, it seems I have forgotten to arm my Vikings. Will you join us on our crusade?”
Catwoman nodded. “I will. I can’t stand here and look at this idiot while he fawns all over his car.”
Batman was too busy fawning over his car to notice the jab.
Lady Galadriel snapped her fingers, and she, the Vikings, and Catwoman all disappeared in a flash of blue light.
“I’m very confused Batman,” said Robin, “but I’m happy you got your car back! Hey! What happened to that other robot that had some of the orbs?”
Batman snapped out of his car-induced reverie. “There was never another robot. There was only the one. Honest. Batman doesn’t lie.”
Natalia and Ellie walked over to Frank and Chase. “Hey guys,” said Natalia. “It seems like the heroes have everything under control here, so maybe we should all head back into the city.”
Chase puffed out his chest. “Are you implying that Frank and I aren’t heroes? I mean, I can see you saying that about Frank, but me?”
“Yes,” said Natalia, nodding. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Without a lot of help and a bunch of stupid powers that were derived entirely from different disguises that you accidentally found, you would never have taken down Rex Fury and been hailed as a hero.”
Chase opened his mouth to disagree, but then realized she was right. “You know, you’re right! If I hadn’t found all those suits…which Chief Dunby so rudely took away from me…I would never have been able to stop Rex. Without all those powers I’m just a guy with a cell phone.”
“And I’m your incredibly skilled partner!,” said Frank. “Wait, you had magical suits?”
The two bandit guards continued to stand on their boring vigil. They heard a weird rumble in the distance. Lady Galadriel came storming up on Ambrosias, followed by a bunch of Vikings and Catwoman. The two guards looked at each other.
“Um, that seems like a lot of people?,” said the first bandit.
“I can’t argue with you there!,” said the second one.
They both prepared for a fight. Lady Galadriel jumped down from her dog and kicked them both effortlessly into a nearby lake.
“That’s it?,” said Catwoman. “You just…kick people really hard?”
“Is there something wrong with that?,” asked Galadriel.
“No I just..I was expecting some kind of magic or something. Where are we going?”
Galadriel pointed at a nearby cave. “I sense the presence of the ancient magical weapons in there, along with several more bandits. We have a tough fight ahead of us, but that is where we must all go."
Catwoman and the vikings nodded, and they all followed Galadriel down the path to the cave.