Nano 2017 Lego Thing Part Twenty Eight
“I looked, and by this time 4 years ago, I had already finished Nanowrimo,” typed Alex into his chat program.
“Yeah. I must have been writing extra words every day. Or maybe I just decided to sprint to the end. I don’t even remember. I always intended to go back and edit that book, and then I kind of just didn’t, haha.”
“Anyway I’ve conducted an extensive reader survey of my story (which isn’t really a novel) and I’ve decided that it needs more Robin so I’d better get Robin back in here.”
“How many of these rooftops do we have to jump across, Frank?,” asked Chase. He slowed down to catch his breath even though Legos don’t have lungs and don’t need to breathe. “I feel like we’ve been up here running around looking for Batman for an entire day.”
“That’s because it’s been an entire day!,” said Frank. “I had no idea there were so many roofs in Lego City! Turns out pretty much every building here has a roof on it. That’s cool! I don’t normally get to see the roofs of the buildings.”
“I feel like we really upset those pigeons that were a few jumps back,” said Chase. “I’ve never seen pigeons so angry.”
Frank stopped and his ears pricked up even though he was a Lego Minifigure and thus had no ears. “Wait! I think I hear the Batmobile!”
Chase dismissively waved one of his claw hands. “That’s ridiculous Frank. There’s like a million cars down there and—“ Chase was interrupted by the crackling of his police radio. “Oh weird! I have a portable police radio!” He fiddled with the knob a little bit.
“Attention all officers,” said Ellie over the radio, “Batman has been cited in the city. There must be some big crime going down so help him out if you can!”
Chase tried to figure out how to reply over the radio, but he couldn’t, so he chucked it off the roof. It fell and landed in a crash in front of Bill Patterson. “Waaaah!,” yelled Bill Patterson. “Falling Objects are Real! Aliens are real!” He ran way screaming.
“I knew I heard the Batmobile even though I have no ears!,” shouted Frank Honey. “Let’s get down there and find Batman. He’s probably going to be the one driving the Batmobile!”
Chase looked around. “Hmm. It seems like this particular building doesn’t have any stairs on its roof.”
“Okay then, we’ll just jump off the side and hope we land on an awning,” said Frank.
Before Chase could stop him, Frank Honey leapt off the roof. “Well, I guess I might as well!,” said Chase, and he followed.
Fortunately they both bounced harmlessly off an awning and hit the ground right next to Chase’s broken police radio.
“It sure is lucky we hit that awning!,” said Chase.
“Luck had nothing to do with it!,” said Frank Honey. “It was because of our police skills!”
“Hey look, my broken police radio. I hope that didn’t make anyone believe in aliens.”
Frank Honey’s eyes widened. “Do you believe in ALIENS Chase?”
“It’s freezing in this chain coffee shop again, and I just scratched my arm accidentally,” typed Alex into his chat program.
“Haha oh man, sounds like things are going well for you. Wait, you’re back at the chain and not at Beanland?”
“Yeah. I’m planning to go to Beanland later. But I earned just enough points in my app to redeem a free coffee, so I figured why not come sit in the refrigerator and then bleed a tiny amount?”
“I’ll never understand coffee fans.”
“Oh, I’m not really a coffee fan,” typed Alex. “I only like about three different drinks, and all of them have a bunch of stuff in them aside from the coffee. I’ll drink a plain coffee about once every six months to remind myself that I don’t really like plain coffee. I’ve just now noticed that if I type really really fast my hands warm up, and now I’m thinking about thermodynamics.”
“So why is your story ending in a street race crime thing?”
“I don’t know. I needed a reason for the Batmobile to make an appearance, and a street racing gang seemed like the perfect ploy. Plus maybe I’ll get to write a fun action scene.”
“Batman arrives in Lego City and turns off his Bat GPS. He stalks the streets in his cool car, narrowly avoiding various pedestrians. His goal is to give those pedestrians the thrill of their lives while also not injuring them. That way the City won’t send Batman a big bill.
“Batman is now trying to remember why he came to the city in the first place. He’s pretty sure that he’s not just here to drive his cool car around at high speeds, but he can’t exactly remember what Catwoman was talking about. Where is Catwoman? Where is Robin? These are the sorts of questions that would haunt Batman if he weren’t already constantly haunted by the death of his plastic parents. He probably should have just reassembled his parents instead of burying in the ground in a box, but Batman doesn’t get to make the rules.”
Catwoman and Robin passed a sign that said “Lego City, 13 Miles.”
“I can’t believe that Batman told us we had to walk to Lego City,” said Catwoman. “He wouldn’t even lend us one of his millions of vehicles.”
“I’m so happy that we get the chance to talk this walk together!,” shouted Robin. “It gives me a chance to get to know my future mother!”
Catwoman did a backflip and placed her plastic claws right up against Robin’s tiny plastic neck. “I am NOT going to be your future mother.”
Robin beamed a smile. “Oh I get it! Right, because we are superheroes we have to keep everything on the down low. Gotcha. I won’t say anything about it at all.”
Catwoman rolled her eyes under her mask. “Just keep walking bird boy. Cats eat birds, you know.”
“So are you like made of cats or possessed by cats or just a big fan of cats?,” asked Robin in hurried succession.
Catwoman shrugged. “I don’t even know any more. Sometimes I’m just a lady in a weird suit that looks almost nothing like a cat. And there’s a bunch of burglar puns.”
“Weird!,” shouted Robin. “Well I’m not made of birds, if you were wondering.”
“Hey,” said Robin, continuing the stream-of-consciousness chat that he’d kept up along their entire walk, “how did you get to the Batcave in the first place?”
“I took a taxi out of Gotham,” said Catwoman. “It was pretty easy.”
“Why are we not taking an easy taxi right now?,” asked Robin.
“Because they don’t put POCKETS on WOMEN’S CLOTHING, and I wasn’t able to bring my phone with me,” grimaced Catwoman.
“Oh I have a cell phone! It’s really neat. It’s Bruce….Batman’s old phone. He gave it to me. It looks like a bat and it’s cool and—“
Catwoman pulled out her whip and wrapped it quickly around Robin. She shouted right into his face. “Do you HAVE this STUPID PHONE with You RIGHT NOW?”
Robin smiled. “Yes I do! I keep it in my pants somehow even though there are no visible pockets on it! Weird right?”
Catwoman and Robin got out of a taxi in Lego City. Robin inhaled a deep breath even though he didn’t have any lungs. “Ah, nothing like the smells of a city! I smell hot dogs, cars, cement, and plastic!”
“Oh yes, it’s so wonderful,” said Catwoman. “Now look, your stupid friend and mentor has—“
“And father!,” shouted Robin.
Catwoman shook her head. “Batman has probably forgotten what her’s doing by now, so he’ll just be driving around in the Batmobile thrilling pedestrians while also trying to remember things.”
Robin nodded. “Yes that sounds about right.”
At that moment, Chase and Frank Honey bounced off of a nearby awning and landed on the sidewalk.
“Have you ever noticed how weirdly convenient it is that the characters in stories always come together? Wouldn’t it be funny if there was just a story where the characters never actually came together? Like, you’d just be sitting there waiting for them to come together, but they wouldn’t, and you’d wander what was even going on?”
“Hahaha, oh man, that would be so annoying.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Huh. Maybe that’s why no one really does that.”
A portal opened in the middle of the street and traffic had to swerve around it. Lego Galadriel came riding out atop Ambrosias, and came to a stop in front of Robin and Catwoman. “Greetings, mere non-elf mortals. The great Galadriel is here to help you all.”
“Wow!,” shouted Frank. “Look Chase! We’ve all managed to come together somehow!”
“All of us except your foolish friend in the Bat costume,” said Galadriel. “We will need his vehicle if we are to stop these other vehicle-based miscreants!”
The vehicle miscreants were hiding out in their secret garage lair, revving engines and building cars and doing other kinds of things that you might expect them to be doing.
Their leader was a guy named Sledge. People who asked Sledge why he was named that and not something car-themed got kicked out of the gang.
Sledge was transfixed by the Jewel of Exceptional Quality, a large Diamond or Emerald or whatever that he had stolen from Catwoman. It was big. It was valuable. In fact, it was so priceless that no one had offered to buy it from him yet.
But soon that would change. Soon he would prove to the world how amazing the jewel was by holding a large street race and then blowing up a bank vault and taking all the money inside.
Sledge wasn’t very good at making plans, but he did like money.